Not sure what way to go anymore

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Not sure what way to go anymore

Postby problemdrinker » Thu Dec 26, 2019 10:06 pm

Here for a bit of hope, I've been a heavy binge drinker since I was 12. And started at this point just drinking at the weekends. I've always been a terrible drunk, so I'm unsure why I've always loved to get into a state. I'm literally a Jackyll and Hyde.

Anyway fast forward to 19 years old, and I moved 150 miles away from my hometown to escape a drug problem, and I started drinking more to compensate. I struggled with the move, I had a horrible few months, and then I settled and was happy for a good two years. I had a boyfriend, a good job and a home. I didn't sleep too well, so I started drinking wine to help; it started off 3 glasses before bed, and quickly progressed to two bottles of wine and then anything else I could get my hands on. Three years ago, I lost 3 stone, wouldn't eat and drank morning to night, but I split with my boyfriend so just blamed that for my outrageous behaviour. We got back together, and my drinking wasn't so bad, but was far from perfect. We had our first child, and I spent 11 months without any alcohol. So I thought I was cured, I could tolerate more alcohol again, and I could just about control the amount I was drinking. This was short lived, the past year I am completely out of control, I manage to co parent with my ex really well, hes so understanding. But I'm alone a lot, I've had to move back home, and I've had to resettle again, with our beautiful daughter. I had really bad post natal depression, and since that I've lost everything, I have no family or friends left, had to give my job up, move to a new area etc. I'm not drinking as much just now, as I know I shouldn't be drinking, but when I do drink, I blackout and when I come round I've hit people I love, I've done things I just don't understand. No-one understands the way I act anymore, I turn my phone off for weeks, I don't like seeing people, but then I hate being lonely. I hate listening to my continuous negativity, and tonight after ruining Christmas day, I know I need help, but I've known I've needed it for years, but before the first few days I'd admit I need help, until it wasn't as bad and then brush off the negativity about my drinking, and make out I was in control again, when it's obvious I am not. I prefer drinking alone, but it doesn't take alot for me to black out.

I just don't know if Alcoholics Anonymous is going to help, because I can go a few days without a drink, but the thought of never drinking again scares the hell out of me. Yet I envy the people that change their life around and can control the urge to drink. I don't know how long I can keep living like this, knowing that I am a role model to my baby, and I'm hurting anyone who loves me all the time. I hate myself, can't justify my behaviour anymore, as I don't know who I am anymore. I just really want to change it, my girl deserves so much more than this.

Sort of hoping, someone else can relate and tell me that this will all go away somehow. I was so outgoing, happy and funny before this. I used to love making people laugh, I only seem to stress people out and upset people now. Obviously cutting the booze out is the start, but then what? It's stolen everything about me.

Thanks for reading.
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Joined: Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:45 pm

Re: Not sure what way to go anymore

Postby Colin » Thu Jan 30, 2020 2:46 am

Hi. Alcohol has also led me on a very destructive downward spiral. I go to AA and have been doing for some time. I was 29 when i first went, and i was not the youngest.
I can relate to your drinking patterns. I fist started drinking low strength lagers, then moved on to stronger ciders - first 1 bottle then 2, then 3 then wine, then vodka... Then i'd try to address the problem, then something would happen in life, and before i new it, I'd be off again. I used to enjoy drinking initially but it soon began to control me and my attempts to control my drinking became futile. Anytime i wasn't drinking, i'd feel lost and crave a drink. I became very alone, withdrawn, isolated and paranoid, with just the bottle for my daily escape.
In AA, I came to realise that ultimately, i drank because i couldn't handle life. I'd forgotten what sober days were, but the idea of having to stay sober for the rest of my life were soon quashed when i entered AA. Instead, AA focuses on a 12 step programme on how to live life and to change our perspectives. For me, i learnt to look at myself and my own hatred towards everyone and everything in life, my self pity and generally negative outlook. Working with a mentor in AA I'm changing my outlook towards life and finding new meaning in it, and finding solutions to my problems and worries.
AA can seem a little religious, which doesn't appeal to me, but I'm able to put this bit aside for the many benefits to be found within the AA community.
My journey into recovery has been a slow one and i didn't remain sober initially, but i kept going back to meetings and there are some very humble, secure, supportive and genuinely caring people in AA.
AA is a positive life journey and works for many people. I think it's definitely worth a shot for anyone who struggles with booze. You have everything to gain. Hope this helps :) Peace and Love x
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Joined: Thu Jan 30, 2020 2:23 am


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